Lalala... I'm back :D I'm back!! lol.... so happy... although its only gonna be a short 3.5 days.... but... enjoy it while I can... haha... cos after book in I think things will be a lot worst.... the past 2 weeks were so called adjustment period where no punishment is given... but when we book in.... it will be over.... and.... hell break lose.... lol.... Duno what to expect then.... can only rely on each other for support to endure through it..... So for now... let me enjoy my last few days before I plunge into the depths hell....

For now... lets recall what have I did for the past 2 weeks.... We went through alot... although its only 2 weeks.... 2 weeks in normal civilian life won't get as much things done as 2 weeks in army... There is real difference between the 2 kinds of life.... I'll leave that part till the end ba... so lets start with day 1 now :)

Day 1.... because of losing the registration pin for NUS.... I had to make a trip down to NUS at like 10 in the morning to get a replacement... So yar.... I took a cab there cos I duno the route and I dun want to waste time... So yar... waited for the cab... Once I got up the cab..... the uncle started talking to me.... Or perhaps... he started lecturing me... lol... cos he asked my why was I going there... so I told him that I lost my pin no.... Then he started lecturing me about keeping my things properly and all the stuffs.... Sian right? early in the morning already get scolded.... k lar... actually not scolded... but... the feeling wasn't nice lar... I was already worrying about getting the pin then somemore still have to listen to him.... But anyway.... I just smile smile.... and soon I reach NUS lar.... I got my pin and then took a bus back... cos I was still early and dun need to rush.... After that went to pasir ris to have lunch then went to board the bus to tekong lor.... Nothing much happened..... There was a cock up in the planning.... so my parents miss me taking the oath....

After that we were brought around lor.... tasted the food then my parents have to leave.... After they left... we were issued with the army stuffs.... Then I had to carry the stuffs all the way to my bunk at the 4th floor lor.... It was a tough way up.... I had my civilian bag on one shoulder... field pack on another.... one arm carrying the shoes... another dragging the duffel bag.... Its really like dragging myself all the way up....

After that went to cut hair... thats almost the end of the day le....

Hmm.... then for the subsequent days we had our trainings... and everything.... nothing much to talk about....

About the people there.... my bunk mates were nice :) actually I dun remember who I spoke to or who I get to know first.... Haha... cos that day my head was giddy after dragging all the things up so I can't recognise the faces.... But now.... only after 2 weeks... we seem to have know each other for a long time... we went through the things together and got to know each other very fast....

When I was there... I also saw many kinds of people.... I thought I was already vey bad... cos I dun play sports... always stay indoors and my skin is very far.... But I've seen worst people then me.... haha.... then got some people also very weak.... either they duno how to take care of themselves... or just chao keng.... my platoon the peak no. of people with medical status is 17.... so at one point of the time when we fall in... there is 5 rows of people ( the status people have to stand behind) instead of the usual 3 rows for fall in.... Then there is also this rj guy who brought a violin into camp... lol... but the sergeant ask him to bring it home and not bring it back during book in... haha..... Then I also met a long lost friend... haha.... he was my primary school friend... then we lost contact for 6 years.... then now we are in the same platoon... lol.... its a small world afterall....

Things are going on fine lar.... but I think my platoon is the most blur and most the slowest... so... I have to mentally prepare to suffer when we go back......

Life in there is really different.... for the past hours at home... its so peaceful.... and I kind of feel weird.... For the past 14 days... we were shouted around.... and have to follow a routine.... but now... everything is OTOT ( own time own target) ..... I can just sit down there..... stare into blank space without having to worry about the next order.... There is no one shouting..... no marching sounds.... no vulgarities from the commanders.... Its really very peaceful.... to the extent that I feel weird..... its like I suddenly lose my hearing.... everything is so quiet... the atmosphere is so relax....

But..... nonetheless.... 2 weeks has passed.... There is only 11 weeks left till my bmt is over... Time seems to pass by slow... but it also seems fast too....

What comes after bmt I do not know.... where will I go is also unknown.... Right now I'm only trying my best to pass ippt... perhaps to get into sispec... I'm not making it a target.... I won't go all out to get it..... but I'll just do my best.... if by that time I'm qualified... then its good... if not... I'll still carry on living my life....

Actually... nowadays u keep hearing people talking about target setting.... wad... u must have a target then u will be able to achieve great accomplishments.... but then I have a different idea.... There is actually no need for a target.... Just do your best in everything u do.... because a target may become a barrier for you too.... If you set your target too high... then u will feel demoralised.... if u set your target too low.... then u might slack and miss out other opportunities.... No one can set a target at equilibrium level.... and I really mean NO ONE..... So since we can't set a perfect target... then just don't set it at all.... When you are without a target... you will feel lost.... there is this fear in you.... and fear is a very powerful force.... With fear... you will put in your best to try to escape from this fear....

Using my case as an example... I do not have a target of which course I want to go to in the uni.... So because I don't have a target.... I have this fear inside me... I fear of not doing well enough to qualify for any course I want to take in future.... So how to overcome this fear? The only way is to put in all my effort to score as high as possible.... then I would be safeguarded.... then I will not have to worry about failing to reach the requirements for the course....

Fear is a very powerful negative force... It is much powerful than just wanting to reach a target.... It can drive people to do lots of crazy and extreme things... I believe that you can also quote some examples of such incidents.... But the trick is how to tap on the powerful stream of force and put it to good use....

So yar.... in conclusion.... my point is by removing a target... you will induce a sense of fear in yourself... and then you take this fear to help spur youself to the maximum....

This is only my point of view.... If you are interested you may want to try this method... I just want to share this with you people as I'm getting sick of target setting... During school time we had to set our target for our exams... now in army... we have to set our targets for IPPT....

I'm not saying that target setting does not work... but I just find that without a target... it works better.... You can think for yourself... is the motivation given by wanting something greater than the motivation given by Fearing something.... or is it the other way round....

I'm back.... yay :D lol... Got miss me or not :P Anyway... I'll be back later to blog... gonna get some rest now... bye :)

FUCK IT!!!! The university application is really spoiling my mood.... KNNBCCB.... From the use of vulgarity u will really know how irritated and fustrated I am.... those who know me would know that I dun use these words often...

This time round its really fuck up....

Haiz.... another thing is my enlistment date... That is fucking lousy.... Why half way in the middle of no where.... I can't even have sometime to consider for a course... and when I'm done with the consideration.. I have to report at the fuck up tekong..... no time for me to apply... chee bye sia....

Fuck it... I dun care already... I really have no mood to register now... I've only registered for SMU.... I think I have to compliment SMU for making an effort to make its registration form very user friendly. NUS has the duno what pin that I feaking lost it.... then NTU the form looks Freaking ugly and unfriendly.....

So yar... I'll wait till my book out then I go register for the rest... knnbccb....

I'm gonna sleep now... I dun want to affect my mood when I go tekong.... bye~

Eve of enlistment....

its a jungle(literary) out there.... hope I survive....

Anyway.... think I going smu already :P Haha.... hope that I didn't make a wrong choice of going into the financial sector. Have been wondering for the past days.... Will I be happier if I go into engineering....

But I came to a conclusion. I had enough of science and IT. For the past 12 years of my life... I've been studying science, doing IT. I think thats pretty enough... haha... it's starting to bore me.... Financial sector seems more fun :)

But then... if I go smu I will miss hostel life.... and its pretty far away from my place.... so its gonna be a bit troublesome.... But nvm.... hope that I'll still have a fun time in there :) anyone else going smu? haha...

K lar... thats all for now... wish me luck for NS :) Bye~

My blog look so man now... lol... A new skin marks a new phase in my life. The transition phase is over. I've gone past the transition phase from being a student to being a NS men now...

ARGH!!!!!! Tmr is the very last day I can enjoy myself!!!! Going to army on thursday afternoon.... Haiz.... SIBEH SIAN AR!!!!! ARGH!!!! Duno how life will be in there... lots of uncertainty.... But one thing is for sure... its arn't going to be easy....

Haiz... but whatever comes.... I just hope that I'll go tru it safetly... Safety is the top priority... I've mentally prepared myself to be ordered around.... treated like a piece of shit.... and hopefully can last till BMT I complete my BMT....

No matter what happens... I will do it! I'll always try to remember this saying....

"吃得苦中苦，方为人上人"

Only tru experiencing the bitterness that one can become greater.

sounds abit like trying to console myself... haha.... but... think this is part of the mental preparation ba....

Anyway... I'm looking forward to my bookout day.... if I'm not wrong should be on the 24th. Really duno what will happen in there... but.... I'm sure I'll be able to survive it :) I'm not as weak so some people think.... haha.... I dun have much qualities... but one of my best is my endurance level.... So yar.... :) See ya 2 weeks later :D

meanwhile... miss me yar~ :P

I cried today..... it was a very sad thing.... I do not wish to comment too much as the saying goes... Don't wash ur dirty linen in public. Its a family matter....

Anyway... forget about the sad thing. I'm feeling better now... something funny happened just now... I was at a supermarket to shop NS stuffs.... Then I reach the shampoo section... I spend like 15 minutes there, walking to and fro along the aisle.... wondering which shampoo to buy... cos the one that I use normally don't come in the smaller bottles... Then when I finally decided on what to buy.... Then I finally remembered.... What for??? I won't have any hair for me to shampoo... LOL.... I will be botak in there.... so wads the use for getting a shampoo? Haha... so stupid sia... wasted like 15 mins of my time.... -.-

K lar... still having a headache deciding on the course I want to take... Was thinking of taking the product design one... but.... its super troublesome to apply... I need to get ready a portfolio... a essay on why they should admit me -.- ... somemore a 3 mins video about me.... Super troublesome sia...

Anyway... my other choice would be to take on architecture, then apply for scholarship from URA ( urban redevelopment authority).... haha.... the scholarship look so alluring. Other than the usual paying of school fees.... I would also have a personal URA mentor to guide and support me... lol... that means I dun have to worry too much lar... can get some help when I first step into the working world.... so I wun be blur blur and keep knocking into walls... haha....

Although its a government bond for 4 years.... and government bonds don't really sounds nice... but... I think it dosen't matter much to me lar... 4 years isn't too long a time. and i dun think I would want to break the bond... unless I'm super underpaid... or I get head hunted for another company :P

K lar.. thats all for today... bye :)

I'm feeling very confused now.... Had a talk with ej about myself.... It seems that I am shutting myself out from other people. Its really bothering me....

hmm.... how to start.... k lar.... lets quote an example.... Take the most recent event... my A lvls result.... I think most of you might have known my result already lar... AAA and B3.... It is supposed to be a very happy thing.... but somehow I do not feel the joy.... I am shutting out all my happiness from the others around me... I'm keeping my happiness all to myself... I am not sharing my happiness..... That is why I am not happy.... there is no one to share my success with....

So why am I doing this? Because I am worried about what others think of me. I care too much about what others think.... This is why I do not dare to share my happiness.... I fear that when I initiate the talk about my result with others, and when others didn't do as well.... They would think that I am showing off..... That is why I do not initiate to ask others about their result.... I'm scared that people might think 'yar lar.... u 3 As... hao lian lar.... ' Or maybe when others reply they didn't do as well... then perhaps I say, 'nvm lar, u did your best' Then people might think... ' of cos nvm lar, its not u who get such results....'

You know... sometime I wonder... would I be happier if I get a lousier grade? Then I can go around asking people their grades..... then when people reply they didn't do well... then I can say... same same lar... or perhaps when people do better, then I can reply good lar..... You know... then I wouldn't have to carry the burden.... I would perhaps feel better since there are people around to share the joy with....

Then ej was like saying.... Don't think that what others think is always right and push all the blame on myself. If others think that I am showing off.... they are just jealous of me. And its not my fault... it is them who are in the wrong for thinking this way....

I've been thinking alot about what he said..... It makes sense.... but somehow I can't shut the thoughts out of my mind....

I just recalled something I saw on tv... its a biography of Hans Christian Anderson... a famous writer of children books. There is this thing that the teacher of anderson said.... There is this fine line between being imagniative and going crazy. And Anderson is at the brim of his imagination. And more of it, the cup will overflow and he will go crazy.... that is why the teacher bars him from writing anymore books at one time. Because if he continues to write and imagine, he would go crazy.....

I am very worried about myself.... am I already thinking too much? You know I have insomia problems just because I can't stop thinking about things. Every night when I lie on my bed preparing to sleep. Things just keeps flashing through my mind. I have to force my mind to go blank every night.... Sometime I really feel like going to a psychiatrist to seek help.... I really dun want to carry on thinking too much..... I fear that the line might snap if this carries on....

Hmm... I guess the first step is to slowly realise the fact that what others think may not always be right. Actually... I've already been trying very hard. Since I got my chance to start anew in jc... I've changed the way I look and deal with things.... But I guess it still isn't enough.... Right now... I have yet another chance to start over again. NS.... I really hope by then I would really have overcome this problem.

Anyway... I would like to thank the few people whom have been around to share my joy. I didn't hold back from you all because I believe that you all know the actual me.... I'm really grateful to these people because without them.... I really won't feel happy at all even though I get such a result.

First and foremost, my aunt.... She has been a great support... showering me with compliments and encouragement. She is the one the recognise my effort.....

Next would be my grandmother. She is also there for me when I came home, and spent the time talking to me... hearing me brag about my result....

After which is my cousin. She called my almost immediately after I got my result.

Following that would be my friends.... especially those whom I've been around with for these 2 days.... Kerling, Eng jin and chou chun... Also to all those whom came to congratulate me....

But I am very sad to say..... I'm not really happy about my parent's reaction. Especially my mom.... They just have no idea how well I did. I've explained that I am among the top few in my school already.... but then they just couldn't see it. My mom just compared me just now with all the super scholars, getting like 8 or 9 As in a report in the newspaper.... You know how bad I felt or not... Hey.... arn't I doing enough.... Those super scholars are just way beyond me..... It would be indeed a miracle for me to beat them.... How can I be compared with them? Don't they know that there are still hundreds more that can only envy my result? I can forget about them not giving me any compliments.... but hey.... don't put me down okay....

Haiz... so yar... I'm really grateful to have the 4 groups of people that I have mentioned in the past paragraphs... Without them... my As would be meaningless.... Thank you.....

I promise I would really try hard not to think too much. Actually... I would also wish to thank ej too for bringing this matter up today.... It gives me a reminder that there is still alot more that I can do to improve. Thanks....

With that I'll end this entry.....

WOHO!!!! So happy :D Haha.... K lar....

Disclaimer: I know the following will seem to be a little bit hao lian... but well... since this is my blog and I can't hao lian in real life... so let me just hao lian here lor... Haha.... So if u think u might not want to read the following, then do skip this entry :)

K... I start liao ar...

WOHO!!!! LOL!!!! AAA B3!!!! I never expect that I would to so well!!!! lol.... All my maths, physics and econs got an A, then english can also get a B3 :D :D :D...... LOL... really didn't expect it... All I was hoping for is just be a normal student... go school get result... if not too bad then happy liao.... but then... LOL... this is a very big surprise.... Cos yar.... even though I was already expecting As for my maths and physics.... I didn't expect myself to get it for econs as well.... Cos that time if u have read my entry.... I thought I screwed up my essay section... which has the highest weightage among all the other section... That time I know that what I wrote wasn't going to make it cos the standard was still lousy, the preparation that I did for it was all wasted as I didn't get to use it.... U know that time I felt so bad... especially because mr syn called the group of us together and said that he was relying on us to get the As for him.... so when I knew I wasn't going to do well... I felt bad because I'm not up to his expectation.... So yar... I was expecting a C for it.... in the best scenario a B.... but never did I imagine that I could get a A for it! lol...

The school actually called me this morning, asking me to go to school earlier and meet at the conference room. I asked them wad is it and they didn't want to tell me, they just say its good news.... So I thought maybe I did well for the exam... but then I thought again... how could it be? cos I knew I had screwed up my essay.... When I reached school.... went up to the conference room... then I finally accepted that fact that I really did well..... haha.....

After that we were dismissed and went to the hall lor.... we were supposed to go up the stage and collect our result slip from the principle.... LOL.... I was really nervous then.... When I took the photo with the principle... my leg was shivering!!! lol.... then facial expression is like frozen... but I still forced myself to smile at the camera... haha.... I was really really nervous then :S BUt after that... everything is fine :) I saw my result slip... and this is a confirmation that I really did well :D

After that went to look for the other guys in my class lor... received some congrats from them, other classmates and my teachers :) Then me kerling and cc went for high tea? haha.... perhaps dinner lar... then shop around for some army stuffs. then thats about it lar.....

Okay... here are some expectations from my teachers and my reply to them :)

Firstly... mr syn... haha... yay!!! I've done it :D I've earned an A for you :D I would like to thank you for marking our essays... especially those around the prelims.... can tell that u really put in effort to mark all the essays that we submitted to you :) Thanks :)

Secondly... ms lim! haha.... my GP also not too bad lar :) U told me during the meet the parent session that u want my GP result to be in the top5 of the class.... so I think the result should be enough lar... haha....

Thirdly.... mrs kwang!!!! haha.... U want be to get an A, I got it! Haha... I think she remembered me and said that to me because that time I went to her and say that I dun want to attend the mock test that she gave us, saying that I'm tired, and I would want to study on my own at night after I get some rest during the afternoon.... Haha.... I was the only one who came up to her and want to skip her lesson lar... so maybe thats why she remembers me.... so on another day... I met her and she said... boon kiat... must get me an A ar.... haha.... I think she must be thinking.... 'u skip my lesson and study on ur own.... so u better get an A to save ur face...' haha.... duno if she is really thinking that way lar... but... this is what I assumed her to be thinking based on the situation then lar... haha.... So yar.... hey mrs kwang... I did it :D

This following teacher... hmm... didn't expect me to get a A... he estimated a C for me... Haha... and he is mr leong... lol.... and I scored beyond his estimation :D yay! Haha.....

K lar... well... I didn't let any teacher down... and the more important part is... I didn't let myself down....

Actually come to think of it... I deserve this result lar... after all I really put in effort to study this time.... I tried so many studying methods... forced myself to study..... and I finally made it :)

Hmm... thats all lar :) I would like to congratulate those whom did well :D For those whom didn't. Don't it it bother you too much, there are still many other routes in life that you can take, this isn't a dead end. :) All the best to everyone in their future endeavours :D