I'm feeling very confused now.... Had a talk with ej about myself.... It seems that I am shutting myself out from other people. Its really bothering me....

hmm.... how to start.... k lar.... lets quote an example.... Take the most recent event... my A lvls result.... I think most of you might have known my result already lar... AAA and B3.... It is supposed to be a very happy thing.... but somehow I do not feel the joy.... I am shutting out all my happiness from the others around me... I'm keeping my happiness all to myself... I am not sharing my happiness..... That is why I am not happy.... there is no one to share my success with....

So why am I doing this? Because I am worried about what others think of me. I care too much about what others think.... This is why I do not dare to share my happiness.... I fear that when I initiate the talk about my result with others, and when others didn't do as well.... They would think that I am showing off..... That is why I do not initiate to ask others about their result.... I'm scared that people might think 'yar lar.... u 3 As... hao lian lar.... ' Or maybe when others reply they didn't do as well... then perhaps I say, 'nvm lar, u did your best' Then people might think... ' of cos nvm lar, its not u who get such results....'

You know... sometime I wonder... would I be happier if I get a lousier grade? Then I can go around asking people their grades..... then when people reply they didn't do well... then I can say... same same lar... or perhaps when people do better, then I can reply good lar..... You know... then I wouldn't have to carry the burden.... I would perhaps feel better since there are people around to share the joy with....

Then ej was like saying.... Don't think that what others think is always right and push all the blame on myself. If others think that I am showing off.... they are just jealous of me. And its not my fault... it is them who are in the wrong for thinking this way....

I've been thinking alot about what he said..... It makes sense.... but somehow I can't shut the thoughts out of my mind....

I just recalled something I saw on tv... its a biography of Hans Christian Anderson... a famous writer of children books. There is this thing that the teacher of anderson said.... There is this fine line between being imagniative and going crazy. And Anderson is at the brim of his imagination. And more of it, the cup will overflow and he will go crazy.... that is why the teacher bars him from writing anymore books at one time. Because if he continues to write and imagine, he would go crazy.....

I am very worried about myself.... am I already thinking too much? You know I have insomia problems just because I can't stop thinking about things. Every night when I lie on my bed preparing to sleep. Things just keeps flashing through my mind. I have to force my mind to go blank every night.... Sometime I really feel like going to a psychiatrist to seek help.... I really dun want to carry on thinking too much..... I fear that the line might snap if this carries on....

Hmm... I guess the first step is to slowly realise the fact that what others think may not always be right. Actually... I've already been trying very hard. Since I got my chance to start anew in jc... I've changed the way I look and deal with things.... But I guess it still isn't enough.... Right now... I have yet another chance to start over again. NS.... I really hope by then I would really have overcome this problem.

Anyway... I would like to thank the few people whom have been around to share my joy. I didn't hold back from you all because I believe that you all know the actual me.... I'm really grateful to these people because without them.... I really won't feel happy at all even though I get such a result.

First and foremost, my aunt.... She has been a great support... showering me with compliments and encouragement. She is the one the recognise my effort.....

Next would be my grandmother. She is also there for me when I came home, and spent the time talking to me... hearing me brag about my result....

After which is my cousin. She called my almost immediately after I got my result.

Following that would be my friends.... especially those whom I've been around with for these 2 days.... Kerling, Eng jin and chou chun... Also to all those whom came to congratulate me....

But I am very sad to say..... I'm not really happy about my parent's reaction. Especially my mom.... They just have no idea how well I did. I've explained that I am among the top few in my school already.... but then they just couldn't see it. My mom just compared me just now with all the super scholars, getting like 8 or 9 As in a report in the newspaper.... You know how bad I felt or not... Hey.... arn't I doing enough.... Those super scholars are just way beyond me..... It would be indeed a miracle for me to beat them.... How can I be compared with them? Don't they know that there are still hundreds more that can only envy my result? I can forget about them not giving me any compliments.... but hey.... don't put me down okay....

Haiz... so yar... I'm really grateful to have the 4 groups of people that I have mentioned in the past paragraphs... Without them... my As would be meaningless.... Thank you.....

I promise I would really try hard not to think too much. Actually... I would also wish to thank ej too for bringing this matter up today.... It gives me a reminder that there is still alot more that I can do to improve. Thanks....

With that I'll end this entry.....