Happy birthday to me~
Happy birthday to me~
Happy birthday to me~~
Happy birthday to me~

Haha..... As this time of the year 18 years ago... I was born :D Time really passes very fast.... its has been 18 years since then....

Haiz.... K lar... should feel happy on my birthday.... but somehow.... theres some part of the ingredient that will make me truly happy is missing.....

Dun wish to dwell on it.... but well... think I'm going into depression again recently... been feeling rather down for the past few days..... A lot of things went tru my mind.... how I spent my 18 years if my life.... what have I achieve..... and what have I lost.... What else do I want? This year's birthday is rather significant to me.... I marks the end of one part of my life.... by this time next year.... I might be spending my birthday in the army camp..... Today is also anther special day.... anyone noticed the date? ITs 20-05-2005 .... super nice number.... didn't realised it either until I saw it in the newspaper headline.... Haha.... think that everyone is betting of my birthday! So cool sia... haha....

Okay.... well... as I've said... been thinking about what have I achieve, lost, and what else do I want.... So What Have I Achieve... ? Well... in my opinion.... I haven't achieve much.... perhaps in terms of academic aspect... there is still some achievement to be proud of... other than that.... perhaps.... I have achieve nothing much over this past 18 years...

What have I lost? Hmm.... well... without gain you can't lose anything right.... but I still feel some regrets.... not that I have lost something.... but because I never had it.... and can never have it anymore.... I am what I am today because this is how I am brought up.... and the environment I am brought up in.... and I feel that something is lacking in this environment... I seemed to have miss out a lot of things that my other peers has during their childhood..... It seems that my childhood is rather empty.... whenever I think of how I spent my childhood.... there seems to be nothing much.... There is this void in my childhood.... and this also became a void within myself... But.... what is over is over... I can't make any changes to that.... the only thing that I can do is bring up my future child in a different way.... to give my something that I longed to have but never had.....

What else do I want? Other than the material satisfaction.... what I truly want is to know who I am.... I feel like I am a chameleon... I'm just adopting whatever thing my surrounding has..... I have no ME. I don't know what I truly like.... I am kind of lost right now.... I also want someone whom I can rely on.... I am so so tired right now... Its very hard to live with only myself as a support.... I'm afraid that I will break down someday...... There is often this sudden urge to just lose it and you know... totally collapse..... its my conscious that is binding me down.... and this string of conscious is thinning.... I'm really afraid that one day.... it will just snap.... and I collapse..... so heaven.... please give me someone that can be my support.... I can't hold on much longer.....

On the point of me being ME..... I think that I might have ME in the past.... but now I've lost it..... I no longer have the cheerful personality.... and will go into depression now and then.... Are these symtoms that I've lost the ME in myself?

Anyway.... I wish that everyone would live their life happily.... and I would find myself.... or perhaps.... like what my blog is about.... to find my missing piece........

okay.... shall end it off here.... bye~