Haiz... today wasn't a very nice day for me.....
Felt very useless twice.
Once was during the class photo taking. Tried to get the class to go for photo taking yet they all take their own sweet time... Some having PW ( I can't blame them ) but others, doing their own work, going toilet, stand around and talk, and nobody want to move. Someone still ask compulsory to take or not....... this is the first time I've been in a class that people don't like to take photos! Eh.. class photo leh, I think that our class spirit is really very very weak lor. Then 好不容易才 arrange 好。take the formal photo liao, want to take the candid one. Ask the class to split into 3 groups to form the number 109. But they just kept with their own group and refuse to move! Then the photographer have to interfer and grap people into groups. Our class is disgracing our school you know, I heard the photographer say that, we do not listen to instructions.... Then me as the class chairperson, can't do anything about it. Had the urge to start shouting at them... but I controlled myself, I believe that a 17 year old HUMAN, would have the INTELLIGENCE LEVEL to understand simple instructions. So I mearly raise my voice by abit. But at the end of the day, reflected on wad jing wen said to me ' Eh.. you as the chairman can have a bit of power or not.' I guess, our class only have the INTELLIGENCE LEVEL OF ONLY A PRIMARY SCHOOL KID.... Haiz.. well actually, it was nice to know that at least some people (especially jing wen and of cos those who listened to my instructions) knows that there is still me, and have respect for my position. Have to say a big thank you for all who respected me :) I appreciate it very much. As for the rest [ GO TO HELL MAN! HOPE I SEE YOU REMAINING IN J1 NEXT YEAR ! ] OKay lar, I very bad hor.... but this is what I'm feeling now lor... OF cos I would wish for everyone to get promoted, but, I will only respect those whom deserves to be. Haha... to think that I'm writing this in my blog where everyone is looking, and that also includes my classmates!!! haha... but hmm... hope that even if this spread around, people would reflect on themselves, and also could understand me better. Haha.... I guess everyone should keep a blog cos I feel that a blog can let me reflect on whatever I did :D So hope to share this thing with everyone so people can all reflect on their own action and make the world a better place to live in :D.
OKay.. I said there was 2 incident that made me felt useless right? Heres the second one. The basketball game... I was like just a big lump of mass drifting on the basketball court only lor... I felt so useless.... Why can't I do anything? Is it because I don't know how to play? The answer is no... ( kind of figure it out myself) cos, even if a person who do not know how to play, eg. soo fen, she can still enjoy the game greatly. The reason is.... I can't let go of myself, I couldn't free myself... I cared too much about what other people think about me. I wanted to let go, wanted to enjoy myself, but the fear of other people's opinion restrained me, bounded me. When the ball come, I were to try to take the ball from someone else, my mind would be jammed with all the possible opinion of what other people think of me... or when I shoot the ball, I would be thinking who what my teammates would think of me, is it, Aiya won't go in one, or dun know want to act know... Even when I do not get the ball, I would still be thinking, Will my teammates find me as a burden to them, someone who don't know how to play and always cause them to lose the game. Then I will lose confidence in myself.... I tried to tell myself, my friends won't laugh at me... but I just can't let go!.... Thats why I don't like these kind of group sports. I guess, the last time I enjoyed doing sports was playing badminton ( that time when kevin brought his racket) cos a badminton game, you win, its your victory, you lose, you will not be a burden to others... thats why, I have only myself to answer for and I enjoyed the game very much! Haiz..... When can I let go???...
oh, there are still somemore minor things that made me feel useless lar... when the first ball was thrown at me... it hitted my back, the second one came, it hit my fingernail causing me to bleed internally under the nail... I felt both physically and mentally useless today....
Haiz.....
K lar, shall end off here, hope that everything will be fine tomorrow and I can be a useful person :D